As a brand new dad who spent the last few years untangling his own inner world through the lens of childhood attachment theory this post really resonated ❤️
Your heartfelt and sincere contemplation on parenting was deeply touching. It offered some beautiful guidance to all who desire to help their children discover their potential within the loving embrace of family.
My only qualm would be with McCormick's "Help them go deeper, not wider, because the world doesn’t reward the well-rounded; it rewards the deeply alive." Although this might be a formula for success in our highly specialized world, it limits children's ability to discover who they really are and what they find most engaging. It's part of that same narrowing of world, future and life that the 11+ exams represent. It might be the path to prestigious college and high-powered career, but it seems unlikely to allow the full exploration of talents, interests, and potential that each child possesses. If we have more humility admitting that we don't know - we don't know what will be the future our children live in, the kinds of knowledge, skills and credentials that will enable them to thrive, what is likely to make our children happy and fulfilled as adults and parents themselves - we might find it easier to let go, till the soil and water the plants with lovingkindness, and watch the blossoming.
Thank you for writing and sharing with an open heart.
This was a great post. Thanks for sharing. I’d like to think in a world where tools make us 100x more productive, that we all spend more time “gardening”. This might not only be our most important job, but the thing that humanity demands of us.
This is so beautiful! I just came back from an intense school run (two girls as well!) which did include some shouting. I feel so much guilt. This text has reminded me to allow myself to be imperfect while constantly striving to remember what’s the most important on this the most important job
Permit me another comment: My daughters have now reached middle age, I'm a grandfather and long retired. So my perspective is quite different than it would have been during those childhood and teen years. I have nothing but admiration and sympathy for parents in today's world. The nature of work, childcare, technology, healthcare, media, schools, society, politics, etc. place huge demands on them. I can see the pressure parents feel.
I want to offer a perspective on parenting that might be of interest. Perhaps it's not what the parent does that has the most impact, but who the parent is. And, I don't mean this from the nature side of the nurture/nature ying/yang. Children learn most from observing parents' actions, not from their statements. The child can probably offer a more veridical description of the parents (perhaps inarticulately) than the parents can of themselves. So much of childhood is about observational learning, imitation, and inculcating the values and ethics represented by parents' behavior.
So, parents might want to consider that making the time (extremely difficult, I know) to discover their own answer the question you posed for your daughter, "who am I" and the related "what's the point"?
Is it possible for parents to be truly happy (have a strong sense of subjective well-being) or demonstrate being at ease or at peace with life without having grappled with and resolved these "existential" questions? Aren't parents who successfully addressed these questions likely to be most effective role models? Perhaps grappling with the identity, purpose and being questions deserves parents' time even if it comes at the expense of some activities with the children.
Maybe children who experience parents who have resolved these questions will naturally find their own way to dealing with them for themselves. Might parents who have resolved these questions (at least for the present time, because those questions will arise and have to be resolved at each stage of life) possess the compassion, lovingkindness and intuitive knowing that enables them to be natural "gardeners" for their children?
Although difficult - which is why most people don't try it, would this approach not offer greater opportunity for success than a "how-to manual" of guides and instructions that are often difficult to follow consistently and persistently - even if as enlightened as those laid out in the article? What if all those ways of parenting just came naturally? Further, would not the "natural gardener" way of being not only enhance parents' relationships with children, but also each other, friends, family and co-workers?
Perhaps dealing with the "who am I," "what's the point," and "what is this" questions are too difficult, scary or time-consuming to be a practical foundation for parenting. Probably. But I can't help thinking that by realizing who they really are, parents will be better enabled to help their children realize who they are, what this is, and what's the point. If they do, I expect concerns about exams, practice, emotions, etc. to dissipate. That's not say a parenting utopia will be reached - indeed, No! Children will always bristle under the pressures of being socialized and enculturated. That is just human nature - and everyone must go through it. And, make some days really hard for the children and their parents.
I'm not arguing that this is "the way." I only conjecture that it's an alternate approach that might be worth considering by some, but certainly not all parents.
Thank you, Ahmed, for the opportunity to share these thoughts stimulated by your extremely thoughtful and thought-provoking piece. Your writing is a gift - and I hope you'll keep sharing it with us.
What a wonderful post, my friend. Beautifully captures what we should all strive to be for our children. How hard that task is. Thank you.
As a brand new dad who spent the last few years untangling his own inner world through the lens of childhood attachment theory this post really resonated ❤️
Your heartfelt and sincere contemplation on parenting was deeply touching. It offered some beautiful guidance to all who desire to help their children discover their potential within the loving embrace of family.
My only qualm would be with McCormick's "Help them go deeper, not wider, because the world doesn’t reward the well-rounded; it rewards the deeply alive." Although this might be a formula for success in our highly specialized world, it limits children's ability to discover who they really are and what they find most engaging. It's part of that same narrowing of world, future and life that the 11+ exams represent. It might be the path to prestigious college and high-powered career, but it seems unlikely to allow the full exploration of talents, interests, and potential that each child possesses. If we have more humility admitting that we don't know - we don't know what will be the future our children live in, the kinds of knowledge, skills and credentials that will enable them to thrive, what is likely to make our children happy and fulfilled as adults and parents themselves - we might find it easier to let go, till the soil and water the plants with lovingkindness, and watch the blossoming.
Thank you for writing and sharing with an open heart.
This was a great post. Thanks for sharing. I’d like to think in a world where tools make us 100x more productive, that we all spend more time “gardening”. This might not only be our most important job, but the thing that humanity demands of us.
This is so beautiful! I just came back from an intense school run (two girls as well!) which did include some shouting. I feel so much guilt. This text has reminded me to allow myself to be imperfect while constantly striving to remember what’s the most important on this the most important job
Thank you! Yes I have felt that guilt regularly of not being good enough and not doing enough.
Permit me another comment: My daughters have now reached middle age, I'm a grandfather and long retired. So my perspective is quite different than it would have been during those childhood and teen years. I have nothing but admiration and sympathy for parents in today's world. The nature of work, childcare, technology, healthcare, media, schools, society, politics, etc. place huge demands on them. I can see the pressure parents feel.
I want to offer a perspective on parenting that might be of interest. Perhaps it's not what the parent does that has the most impact, but who the parent is. And, I don't mean this from the nature side of the nurture/nature ying/yang. Children learn most from observing parents' actions, not from their statements. The child can probably offer a more veridical description of the parents (perhaps inarticulately) than the parents can of themselves. So much of childhood is about observational learning, imitation, and inculcating the values and ethics represented by parents' behavior.
So, parents might want to consider that making the time (extremely difficult, I know) to discover their own answer the question you posed for your daughter, "who am I" and the related "what's the point"?
Is it possible for parents to be truly happy (have a strong sense of subjective well-being) or demonstrate being at ease or at peace with life without having grappled with and resolved these "existential" questions? Aren't parents who successfully addressed these questions likely to be most effective role models? Perhaps grappling with the identity, purpose and being questions deserves parents' time even if it comes at the expense of some activities with the children.
Maybe children who experience parents who have resolved these questions will naturally find their own way to dealing with them for themselves. Might parents who have resolved these questions (at least for the present time, because those questions will arise and have to be resolved at each stage of life) possess the compassion, lovingkindness and intuitive knowing that enables them to be natural "gardeners" for their children?
Although difficult - which is why most people don't try it, would this approach not offer greater opportunity for success than a "how-to manual" of guides and instructions that are often difficult to follow consistently and persistently - even if as enlightened as those laid out in the article? What if all those ways of parenting just came naturally? Further, would not the "natural gardener" way of being not only enhance parents' relationships with children, but also each other, friends, family and co-workers?
Perhaps dealing with the "who am I," "what's the point," and "what is this" questions are too difficult, scary or time-consuming to be a practical foundation for parenting. Probably. But I can't help thinking that by realizing who they really are, parents will be better enabled to help their children realize who they are, what this is, and what's the point. If they do, I expect concerns about exams, practice, emotions, etc. to dissipate. That's not say a parenting utopia will be reached - indeed, No! Children will always bristle under the pressures of being socialized and enculturated. That is just human nature - and everyone must go through it. And, make some days really hard for the children and their parents.
I'm not arguing that this is "the way." I only conjecture that it's an alternate approach that might be worth considering by some, but certainly not all parents.
Thank you, Ahmed, for the opportunity to share these thoughts stimulated by your extremely thoughtful and thought-provoking piece. Your writing is a gift - and I hope you'll keep sharing it with us.